


you love me (but i do not)

by PondRam



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, Unreliable Narrator, Vent Writing, also, also au-ish, also stalker!dave, and rlly disturbing??? my friend told me that, but srsly tho, everywhere, im not lyin, im trash for writin this im sorry, im tryin a new writin style, really unhealthy relationship, rlly unhealthy relationship so if u have that trigger pls dont read this, so it may be kind of weird, this is angst, this will end rlly badly, u w u, ye unrequited love ftw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 18:09:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1827496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PondRam/pseuds/PondRam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you try and ignore him but you cant</p>
<p>you try and try and try but you cant</p>
<p>you want this to stop you want this to stop you want this to stop you want this to stop-</p>
<p>why you out of all people why you</p>
<p>===</p>
<p>in which dave is a stalker that is infatuated with john and john just wants him to go away.</p>
<p>((SERIOUSLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP DON'T READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THOSE THANK YOU))</p>
            </blockquote>





	you love me (but i do not)

**Author's Note:**

> this might end up being confusin
> 
> im back with vent writing and this is a piece of siht
> 
> im sorry but im a piece of trash for writin this please dont theyre messed up im messed up im sorry im sorry im sorry

you try and ignore him but you cant

you try and try and try but you cant

you want this to stop you want this to stop you want this to stop you want this to stop-

why you out of all people why you

././././.

 

it starts as a little thing, you don't mind it at first. he was always staring at you, you liked the attention he gave.

you basked in the attention he gave, you were flattered by the attention he gave. you were happy with him staring at you. you didn't think of anything malicious of it, after all who would think of something malicious like a boy staring at another boy? not you.

besides, he was conventionally attractive. more attractive than you, so you take it as a compliment.

you were happy with the attention he gave you, and you thought it was nothing not innocent. (your first mistake)

 

././././.

 

you were still basking in his attention when your teacher partnered him with you.

it was all cool, maybe you'd become best of friends (you did not). that was the first time you ever spoke to him, and his voice was fantastic. you could never think why he'd stare at you all the time. you were thankful the teacher paired him with you 

that day you discover that you have a lot in common (no you dont hes lying dont believe him dont)

you might grow to like him you think. (your second mistake)

he might be perfect and you hope to become best friends with him. (but he's not perfect he will never be perfect he is the devil himself you will want him to die you will hate him you will never become best friends with him instead you will be something much more sinister than that and you can do nothing to stop it)

 

././././.  **  
**

 

today you stared at him longer than what's appropriate. you notice his hair so light it is practically white, his pale skin that is decorated with lighter freckles, and his eyes. you notice that you never see his eyes, and this makes you curious (stop this dont ask him)

you ask him.

"dave," you say to him, "how come I've never seen your eyes?" you ask him. (your third mistake)

 he grows stiff and for a moment you're scared (you should be scared be scared be scared), he forces a smile and turns to you, even if you can't see his eyes you know he's angry at you and you don't know why and you're scared he might not be your friend anymore please don't go please don't go please don't go- (let him go he'll ruin you)

"john please do not ask about that again" he tells you and you are relieved that he doesn't hate you yet, thank you lord. "I am uncomfortable with my eyes."

"do you have a condition?" you ask him, and you feel him getting angry again, you regret it you don't want him to leave his your first friend.

"John can we not talk about this" he tells you and that's the end of that.

you are happy that he is still your friend (dont be happy damn it dont be dont be dont be he's the devil he will ruin your life run away from him run away from him right now while you have the chance please)

 

././././.

 

you feel someone follow you home and you're scared (its too late now you stupid idiot its too late now you cant leave him)

your hair tingles, and you look over your back a couple of times, only seeing a flash of red and pale yellow. you think about dave and how you wonder it cant be him (it is him) because he told you that hes has to go home early, (you stupid idiot he's following you). you're scared but you are happy, you think of this as extra protection and go home occasionally checking your back for your follower.

you don't tell your dad about this (tell him, tell him tell him you idiot you might still get out of this, you might still be able to not be with him, you might still escape him.)

 

 ././././.

 

you talk to dave more and you are happy with him.

he is perfect for you and you are perfect for him (he's not dont do this dont ruin yourself please dont). you might actualy like him but you do not know if he likes you, he might beat you up if you confess because he is much more stronger than you (he will he will do this he will do this please dont ruin your life run away from him dont go to school anymore please). you keep quiet about this feelings inside you and you become best friends with dave (this are not real, your feelings are not real)

it hurts when he says "no homo" or when he just proclaims that you are only best friends (this is part of his plot please run away now)

 you might love him and you are not sure what to do with these feelings (please dont kill yourself)

 

././././.

 

you avoid him for a few days (dont avoid him please dont it'll get worse if you avoid him dont avoid him if you want to stay pure and safe please)

you avoid him for a few days and talk to no one only your cousin.  your cousin jade a kind sweet girl (now hes going to go after her and you cant go back anymore all your fault all  **my** fault). shes glad to talk to you and she speaks about everything which is good because you want to take your mind off the him.

him, dave the person you first befriended thats not jade, he speaks to you. he laughs at all your jokes hes perfect for you and now youre guilty for avoiding him and maybe maybe youd speak to him tomorrow

you'll speak to him tomorrow (please dont dont please please dont speak to him)

 

././././.

 

he throws you at the lockers.

you are glad that there is no one here as everyone already went home. you are scared because he is angry (he wont hurt us dont worry he'll just be disappointed, he'll hurt as for our own good but he wont kill us dont be scared be scared be scared  **RUN** ). your back hurts like hell and you look at him and even if you dont see his eyes you know hes angry hes angry at you and youre scared you might die now (you wont youll just experience a different kind of hell please run away), **  
**

 "what the fuck egbert" he uses your last name, and that stings it took you a week to make you say your first name and he hates you and you hate this make it stop and you sit down, "what the fuck was that." he kicks the lockers beside you and you whimper

youre scared scared out of your mind you want this to stop you curl up and begin to sob. youre a piece of shit for doing this to your only friend (youre not youre not dont say that please) you are. 

dave softens a bit and kneels beside you to hug you. he hugs you whispering sorrys to your hair promising not to do that again, and you hug him back smelling his scent. applejuice and safety (and deceit and lies and hell). you dont want to do this again.

"im sorry" you tell him, shifting a bit away from him (no please dont say that dont say that if you say that we'll lose we;ll lose we' ll los e ple as e dont)

he looks at you and says "i'll forgive you egbert you just have to do something for me."

"what"

"be mine" with that he captures you lips and you might be happy for the first time in your life (no dont dont we'll lose we are losi ng stop t his righ t now stop this stop thi s stop it st op it)

 

././././.

 

you figure out that being daves boyfriend is hardwork. the dave you know went away and was replaced by someone else that you dont know. (i told you)

he bosses you around, doesnt want you hanging around with anyone even jade your cousin or your sister. he tells you that you cant be with anyone you cant be with anyone or else he'll leave you and you dont want him to leave you (you will want him to leave you please make him leave). he tells you youre trash and kisses you until you feel all better. you love him so much it hurts (its not love it will never be love leave him now please)

that was also the time the following began to be much more worse.

 

././././.

 

you want to leave him (i was right but now you cant)

every time you'll tell him you'll leave him he'll kiss you and you'll forget about it all (please dont leave him right now). he'll kiss you and you'll love him again (it's not love), and you dont want to leave him ever again.

today you'll visit his home for the first time. he tells you theres no one home so you can visit (dont visit) and you visit since its friday and youre father tells you you can stay the night with him (dont stay the night with him dont dont dont pl ease pleas e this i s for your sa fety dont **leave him** )

as you go into his home, and you go to his bedroom and his bedroom is nice and clean. full of red and music stuff. he told you he liked music so this isnt really a surprise. what is a surprise is what happens next.

he pushes you to his bed, repeating one phrase over and over again undressing you, touching you in places that must not be touched, making you feel pleasure in a way that you dont know existed. making you moan shiver even if you dont want to moan.

you want him to stop.

he enters you that night and it hurts and feels good at the same time. ( **make him stop ma ke hi m stop make him stop i dont like i dont like i dont love him** )

 

././././.

 

you dont know when you started.

you started cutting, after the night? two days after? it doesnt matter it gives you release you need after what happened. you wear long shirts more (dont do this to yourself please)

he notices. (nothing can escape his eyes) he notices and gives you looks of pity, (stop that).

he confronts you after school.

"john why" he asks and you do not reply, you dont know what to reply. (bye dave)

he threatens to hurt your cousin if you dont tell him so you tell 

././././.

 

you write a letter

not any letter a goodbye letter.

you are fed up

you hate him

you hate him 

hes the devil incarnate

 

**i was right**

 

you write a letter telling him goodbye. 

 

you hang yourself that night and you dont regret it one bit.

 

**bye dave**

**Author's Note:**

> sorry please kill me now


End file.
